This post is dedicated to my best friends, those who I shall not name, but who are in my heart and mind every single second of the day
**This post is going to be in 1st person viewpoint, Sarah's of course;)**
I think that I'm in love with two very different men. How can it be one may ask? But I really believed that I loved two. I knew that, sooner or later, I would need to decide, but in this point in my life, I just wanted to live my life. I did not want to worry myself about all the question marks that I was facing in my conflicted love life. Let me start by describing Salem.
Salem is a tall, round, and chunky "man". I put quotation marks because I feel he looks like a baby. He kinda looks like Humpty Dumpty.. He is very white, with red cheeks.He was a bit insecure, about his physical appearance,he hated it when I called him "cute". It would offended him, upset him even.. He was 22 years old, Bahraini, and studied with me both in high school and in university.
He was popular, always the class clown, he made everyone laugh..Everyone would feel at ease around him. He had a way of always making you feel welcome, even when you felt you didn't fit in or belong. He was smart, never got less than an A- in his entire academic career.
We started off becoming friends at 9th grade. It was a day before graduation that he "confessed" his true feelings toward me..
We were hanging out in Seef Mall, all of the seniors (all 100 of them) decided to go spend the day in Seef Mall. Salem kept telling me he wanted to tell me something important, and that he would prefer if we had lunch together. Sure thing i said stupidly, not knowing what was in store for me..
We headed to the Italian restaurant, Pizzeria, and sat down in one of the tables in the back.
Salem exhaled loudly, and looked me straight in the eye. "Listen, I want to tell you something, Its been eating me alive for the longest time, and I need to say it in one go. So I'm politely asking you to refrain from commenting, till I finish what I have to say."
Sweat droplets were falling from his forehead, into his rosy red cheeks. He was blushing..It was now or never, he thoughts, and mustered up his courage.
Salem: "Every since the first day I meet you in 9th grade, the first time I met you. I was mesmerized by your beauty. I could not stop staring at you. Your beautiful green eyes made my heart skip a beat. Or beats to be more accurate. I befriended you because I thought you were the most beautiful creature ever. I just wanted to be near you. Then i got to know you more, and I loved your personality even more. You were kind, you were kind to the nice, fat kid , that no one really liked. You made everyone see me, when I thought I was invisible. Me becoming the man I am today, is all because of you. You saw me in the way that no one did. You became my friend, my best friend. My heart broke every time you would mention a crush you had, which was like every two weeks, but I got used to them, because I know you would never act upon these crushes. My main point is this..I love you. I have always loved and will always love you.
(He took my hand and squeezed it. I tried to wiggle my hand out of it, but his hands were firm..)
I want you to be mine. I don't want you for anyone else but me.I love you, all of you. And i want you to be my girlfriend. When the time is right, I will propose to you. We are too young for it now, but the moment we graduate, you will find me at your doorstep. This I promise you, my love."
I was shocked..He never showed me anything, He never mentioned it for the past 4 years.Whats he doing? What should I say? oh my god. I cant hurt him. He doesn't deserve it. But I think I did.
"Let go of my hand please."
Salem gave me a pained look, already looking upset. This is not the way I played it in my head. The truth hurts, he thought. I will handle it. She will love me, I am sure of it.
"Salem. You're like my brother. I love you too. But I am not in love with you. Please do not bring this up ever again."
With that, I got up, all mad. I was mad at him. How can he tell me something like this? Maybe this is the right time to say that the L word scared me. Scared the living hell out of me. I felt like I was suffocating. I had to leave. I couldn't look at him, couldn't think of him. Not now, at least.
The Next day:
Graduation Day, in the After-Graduation Party at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, Al Ghazal Ballroom
I barely slept last night. I was struck by a surprising revelation.. I was happy. I was happy due to what Salem said. I guess I was just shocked in the beginning, but once it sank in. I could hardly contain my excitement.
I think this is it. The moment where I realized that I may actually have feelings for him too.
I just arrived in the Ballroom.It was packed, with the majority of the students from all the posh private schools, Bahrain Bayan School, Bahrain School, and Ibn Khuldoon National School.I looked around the room for Salem, I searched frantically for him. I had to tell him. Right then and there. But he was no where to be found.
I sat in one of the empty tables in the back, disappointed..and sent him a text message.
"Cant find you anywhere. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday Please tell me your here =(
Less than a second later..
I felt strong arms embracing me from behind, and he gave me a big hug. My heart started beating heavily. I gathered up my courage for what I wanted to say.
Salem: "Congratulations...I didn't want to make a scene earlier at graduation. Seeing you here, I just cant help it. I.."
I put my finger on his mouth and quietly said.
""Shh..don't continue. Its your time to shut up now. I love you more"
The sparks between us were undeniable, I felt like I was on top of the world. It made perfect sense to her now. They were meant for each other.
Salem gazed at me intensely, and got a bit too close. I tried to pull back, but something inside me, made me go for it. We were really close now. I could feel his breathing, and the sound of his beats. He lifted my chin up, and our lips interlocked. I threw my arms around him..and we kissed..My first kiss, with my first love. My first and last I thought.
And that was it. The beginning of our fairytale love story.
Fast-Forward to three years later:
Salem and I were still going on strong. He was everything a girl would want. He was kind, affectionate, and I was always his number one priority. He would drop everything in a second for me. He called a hundred times during the day. He did my homework. He was the perfect boyfriend. He never stop caring or being romantic. He had no eyes for anyone but me.
He was my everything..
And I was everything to him..
There it is, it pains me to say it, or to even think it. I feel so guilty.
There are no sparks anymore. I love Salem. But am in love with him? No I'm not.. I loved him because he loved me. The thought of someone being blindly in love with me was exhilarating,a window to my soul.
I'm confused. I don't know what I feel towards him anymore.
All I know now is that I constantly think of Rashid. The Emariti Bedouin from Al Ain, that was the complete opposite of Salem. He was tall, and strikingly handsome. He knew it. He was cocky and arrogant. He thought the world of himself. And I loved it..
Ahhh...I loved it..I daydream about him constantly.I dream of becoming his wife. Lying in bed with him and doing stuff. Ok, sorry, there you have it, i have an X rated mind.
Rashed and I didn't agree on much, in fact we rarely agreed on everything. We fought all the time, like kids, and we challenged each other everyday, but despite our million and one differences. We had one important thing in common: we were crazy about each other.
We just didn't know it yet...
"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." (Jane Rubietta)