Monday, March 9, 2009
Drama Post #12
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
FYI- This post is going to be in 1st person's perspective (Naylah's)
One week later:
I spent the entire week in bed. I don't quite recall how time passed. I spent it crying, feeling sorry for myself, and quite frankly mad at myself. How did i reach this stage? I have no reliable friends..I only had Sarah. Had. Past tense. I had her and a bunch of other friends-but it wasn't the same.
The love of my life turned out to be a fantasy. Too good to be true. The love of my life was a cheater, liar and traitor. Funny how he is all these things and I still pine for him.
My heart hurts so much, i cannot get his picture out of my mind. I replayed the entire conversation in my head a million times. I reread his messages, emails, our chat logs repeatedly. I don't know what I was doing. I felt like a zombie. I felt dead.
I was lifeless. I didn't even leave the room to spend time with my family. My excuse was studies and that I had an important paper to write.
I cried so much that my eyes hurt now. I literally drowned in my tears.
I guess this is what heartbreak feels like.
I often wonder-why is it called heartbreak..it is not only my heart that feels broken..but all of me..I cannot understand why this happened to me. Why did I not see it coming???
I feel like I am going crazy.
The pain wrenches my insides. It pulls me apart.. I know that I will get over this someday. Even though i know i will continue living, i honesetly do not want to go on living.I am a pretty smart person. Studies wise that is, not street smart thats for sure. I understand that there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept.
Things that we don't want to know but are forced to learn.
The thing I know most is that there are some people we can't live without but have to let go. No matter how hard.
See I know all these things. And yet. I lay in bed,crying and again feeling sorry for myself. I couldnt change the fact the fact the Sarah betryaed me. Couldnt change the fact that I was lied to by a man i loved for three years. I wish he loved me. I wish he was mine. I wish I can force him to love me and leave her. I cant. I cant force myself to stop loving him.
They say time heals all wounds. How can they say that when all it does is give me MORE time to rethink this mess.
I am a mess.
I began reading my emails since I was beyond bored-and was trying to get over the images of Sarah,Yousif, and His wife out of my head.
One email particularty stuck out. The name of the sender made my heart stop.
It was from my professor, who was more a close friend than a teacher..
I have not seen you in any of your classes this week. I sincerly hope that you are not ill. Havent seen Yousif around as well..You two are usually attached at the hip. I cant quite put a finger to it. But I have a strong hunch that things between you two are not great. I did recenlty hear that he is getting married.
I hope to see you back in your classes Naylah. You are a bright, smart girl. Btw- I've had my heart broken quite a few times. There is nothing I can tell you to make you feel better. But I will try to push you in the right direction.
My door is open anytime to you.Feel free to drop by anytime.
I came across a text, that I hope you read and hopefully,have time to reflect about.
It is the following:
Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on
staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it,
what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have
finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end?
Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting
friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell
yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things
that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust,
just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your
parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister,
everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on
with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even
when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed
will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons
that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night
relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least
intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is
why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you
have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the
invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of
certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this
life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not
expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on
your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again,
the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only
poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are
broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions
that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter
is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has
passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could
live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit
is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply
because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record,
clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change
into who you are.One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If
we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness
and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
This excerpt has helped me move on Naylah, I do hope it has the same effect for you.
Best of luck,
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
I left my safe haven. I left bed, and headed to the shower. After a long bubble bath, and lathering my body with aroma creams and lotions, I came to a decision.
I will get over it. I will move on. No matter how long it takes.
Later that day, I emailed my professor back.
Thank you for your kind email and words. You cannot believe the instant effects it had on me.I will tell you everything when I see you.
I need your help and advice on an urgent matter.
Do you think it would be possible to transfer to the Dubai branch of the university this late in the semester?
I need to get away from Bahrain.
With that, I felt alive. I felt like a new person. I will start a new chapter in my life. I will leave Bahrain, I will leave the pain and heartbreak.
I will move to the United Arab Emirates, I will fight my father till he agrees. I will.
I need a new life.
Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together. ~Author Unknown